Adventures of Brittany
by Dylan S. Thompson
Summary: A series of fantastical, mostly unrelated crackfics based off of Brittany one-liners.  Always Brittana in spirit, almost always in letter.
1. Brit, Queen of the Sewers

My Summer Vacation, Or: Brittany, Queen of the Sewers

**Time in the sewers**: 1 hour

Brittany was confused. She was in a dark, damp, smelly place, and she couldn't entirely remember how she got there. She was walking to Santana's house to surprise her, but then she saw a blue bunny rabbit. She started following the rabbit, then she began to wonder what blue tasted like, then she was underground. She had no idea what a bunny rabbit was doing going into a sewer.

**Time in the sewers**: 5 hours

Brittany was lost. She had believed she would easily be able to leave. She had tried tracing her steps, but she had never been a very good artist.

**Time in the sewers**: 24 hours

Brittany was hungry. She hadn't had anything to eat before getting lost, and now the hunger pains were overwhelming. She grasped firmly the brick she had found, and she eyed the rat she had been stalking for ten minutes, readying the killing blow.

**Time in the sewers**: 1 week

There was more than one way to kill a rat. Brittany had found five so far. She'd also learned how to build a fire. Brittany didn't understand why there was so much sewer for such a small town.

**Time in the sewers**: 2 weeks

Alligators! Brittany had been hunting rats when she discovered a nest of the ferocious reptiles to the north of her usual camp. As her rat roasted, Brittany stared into the fire and contemplated her next move.

**Time in the sewers**: 2 weeks, 2 days

Brittany: 1, Alligators: 0.

**Time in the sewers**: 1 months

After wrestling and killing her second alligator, she told the rest of them to head into the west. Brittany had felt sorry for them (they were kind of cute, actually). That didn't stop her from wearing a necklace made from the teeth of the alligators she had vanquished, however, or fashioning a chair from their skulls.

**Time in the sewers**: 6 weeks

She wasn't technically in the sewers, anymore, she didn't think. In the Southwest, she had found a door and a stairwell. Through the door she had found another world. While she had never been cramped in the sewers proper, this new complex had ceilings that towered over her head and tunnels that seemed to go on forever. It had been a week since she had begun exploring. She missed her alligator chair.

**Time in the sewers**: 2 months

It had just over a week since she was captured by the mole people. At first she was afraid that they were going to kill her, and consoled herself with the explanation that the only reason they didn't like her was because they were blind and couldn't see how hot she was. Eventually she was able to negotiate her release, and was granted an audience with the King. The next day he proposed, of course, but Brittany had told him that she wasn't sure about getting married at such a young age. Brittany frowned. She missed Santana.

**Time in the sewers**: 2 months, 2 weeks.

When the minions of the Spider Queen attacked, Brittany had defended the King ferociously. Her sword (the King had made her a sword!) blurred as she attacked in frenzy, and her blade had fed off of the screams and blood of the enemies of the Court. But one of them managed to break her necklace. Brittany swore revenge against the Spider Queen and all her servants. With tokens of martial might and magical ability bestowed upon her by the King and the priests, she set out.

**Time in the sewers**: 3 months

She could see the light at the end of the tunnel. She was almost out.

After a two day hike through the Bleeding Hills, she had come upon the fortress of the Spider Queen. It had taken three days to quietly sneak and kill her way into the building, and the resulting battle with the primordial Spider lasted another three. Finally the bitch lay dead, and she trudged back to the mole people. The King declared that she was to be rewarded with any boon she could imagine; Brittany responded that she simply wished for one of his subjects to lead her out of the sewers. When asked if she were sure, Brittany had declared, "School will be starting up soon. And Santana will worry if I'm not there."

**Time out of the sewers**: 1 hour

She knocked on Santana's door. She had showered, stowed her sword and various alligator-related trinkets in the closet at her home, traded her rags for some real clothes, and immediately headed for Santana's house. Santana opened the door, smiling brightly, and exclaimed, "Brit, you're back!"

Brittany smiled in return, a feeling of warmth suffusing her body, and replied, "Yup. Let me tell you, I had a crazy…" Brittany trailed off, and cocked her head to the side in confusion. "Did you get a boob job?"

The End


	2. Brittany Saves the World

A/N: I hadn't planned on adding to this, but the new episode gave me an equally awesome and cracky Brittany line so I had to do it! I hope you guys enjoy it.

**Probed, Or: Brittany Saves the World**

When Brittany woke up she was strapped to a table, completely naked. "Mr. Jeffries?" she called out. "Is that you?"

"No," responded a voice that sounded like when you gargle saltwater. "I am not Mr. Jeffries."

"Oh," said Brittany. "Who are you, then?"

From the shadows, a…being appeared. He was bipedal, but had three arms, each ending with claws six inches long. He had orange skin…no, scales. His eyes glowed purple. Razor sharp teeth glittered from his mouth, and he had a forked tongue. Brittany wondered if he was a good kisser.

"My name is Kgl'rk," the being said in an intimidating manner. "I am the commander of the Sarrian Fleet."

"Oh...Hi!" Exclaimed Brittany, cheerfully.

"Hello, human female."

"My name's Brittany."

"Brt'ny, then." Brittany smiled brightly at Kgl'rk as he struggled to pronounce her name.

"What am I doing here?"

"Well," said Kgl'rk awkwardly, cursing the human female for awaking earlier than expected, "first we have to probe you."

Brittany's face scrunched in confusion. She was soon after probed, but we'll skip over that part. Suffice it to say that she'd had better. A little later:

"I apologize for the inconvenience." Brittany shrugged. She could have told him that she was disappointed in his performance, but she didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings. "We can now move on to the real reason you are on our spaceship-"

He was cut off by Brittany exclaiming, "We're on a spaceship!"

Kgl'rk was caught off guard. "Yes…"

"Cool!" Brittany had been unstrapped, so she rushed around the room like a little kid, curiously looking at everything in it. "Where'd you get a spaceship?"

"I am not of your world, Brt'ny. I'm not human. I come from a planet almost a galaxy away. The only reason you can understand me is because we implanted a Babel fish in your brain. Did you really not pick up on this until now?"

"Can we go lightspeed!"

Kgl'rk sighed, and asked, "Can I just tell you why you're here?"

"Sure thing, Clark."

"It's…nevermind. So, why you're here: We Sarrians are an expansionistic race, but we are also very fair. Before vanquishing and enslaving the people of a planet, we choose an ambassador from among them to plead the case for mercy. If a good enough argument is made, we shall leave the planet in peace. In theory. It's never actually happened."

There was a moment of silence. Kgl'rk braced himself for the inevitable recriminations, screams, or sobs that followed his prepared statement. There was another moment of silence. Kgl'rk winced. The longer it took, the worse it usually was. There was another moment of silence.

"Like the fish?"

"What?"

"You said something about bass. I don't really like fish."

"…What?"

Brittany just shook her head in confusion and returned her gaze to Kgl'rk. "You were saying something."

"I was…what? Brt'ny, I'm from an alien warrior race come to pillage your planet! We've chosen you and given you a chance to convince us that we shouldn't. Now: why shouldn't we destroy your planet?"

Brittany blew a strand of hair out of her eyes, and asked, "I don't know, why?"

"Because…what?"

"What?"

"NO! YOU'RE supposed to tell ME why we shouldn't conquer your planet. Go ahead."

Brittany was silent for a moment. Her face scrunched up in concentration, and she reached up and pulled on her earlobe. Finally she answered, "I can't think of anything."

"You can't think of anything? Nothing at all?"

"Nope."

"Most beings that are in your position become very passionate about the subject. They often speak for hours."

Brittany shrugged, saying, somewhat apologetically, "I'm not very good at tests."

Kgl'rk peered at the human female, who continued to smile brightly at him. Something was niggling at the corner of his mind, some realization that he hadn't quite realized. "Is this some sort of trick?" he asked suspiciously.

Brittany peered back at him innocently. If anything, her smile widened.

A chill suddenly rattled his scales. It was obvious, so obvious that Klg'rk hadn't even noticed what was going on: there was no fear in this human female. No artifice, no guile, no deception, no aggression, none of the reactions he was accustomed to see. He was so accustomed to see them that he had, until this point, superimposed those other reactions upon this situation. This Brt'ny did not fear him, nor his ship, nor his fleet; she had in fact been totally accepting of the entire experience and completely magnanimous. And now she was inviting him to invade her planet with a smile. The old Samirrian proverb floated through his mind, "The truly powerful being invites the thief into his home, and dares him to steal."

Kgl'rk looked back at Brt'ny. Her expression seemed to have not changed, but Kgl'rk now divined another layer beneath the smiling exterior that seemed to hint at something malicious and tempered with adamantium. Beneath her smiling, innocent exterior, Kgl'rk now believed he saw a being smiling smugly, daring him to steal. He gulped. His scientists had assured him that they had taken an average example of the species, and a juvenile at that. The idea that there was an entire society, an entire planet composed of beings equal to or surpassing the power of this female before him…

Kgl'rk cleared his throat. "It was nice meeting you, madam."

Within seconds Brittany was beamed back into her bed, and Klg'rk and company were fleeing in the other direction. Brittany yawned, petted her cat, and snuggled deeper into her covers. School started in a few hours, and she had that stupid Spanish test…

The End


	3. Dolphins Are Just Gay Sharks

A/N: I wanted to add another chapter, because three chapters is a nice stopping off point, so I went back to the first season for inspiration. I figured why not explicate one of Brittany's best one-liners. This may be the end, but if the writers keep feeding me inspired lines like the last couple of episodes I'll keep on going.

**King of the Sea, Or: How Brittany Learned that Dolphins are Just Gay Sharks**

Brittany was getting tired of people (Kings especially) proposing to her. Oh, and getting kidnapped. She was also getting tired of being kidnapped. But really it was the propositions that rankled. It was annoying, and it was awkward. And it was pointless, because there was only one person in the world that Brittany loved, and Santana lacked certain requirements for Kingship.

It wasn't all bad though. Rodney was very interesting to look at ("I am half-man, half-fish, and one-third octopus!") and he was VERY smart. Besides, how many people got tours of the ocean from a man who could speak to all the animals there? Less than ten, definitely.

Back to the proposal, though. They were currently dining in a lavish hall, sitting at opposite ends of an impossibly long table fashioned out of coral. The plates before her were filled with various kinds of seafood (she briefly wondered if it was strange killing and eating things you could talk to), and her glass was filled with a wine made from whale milk. Or something.

"Yes, the drink is very good," she called out to her companion, trying to be diplomatic.

"No," he called back, cursing the poor acoustics of the room, "I asked if you would like to marry me and become queen of the sea!"

Brittany winced. She heaved a dramatic sigh, and responded, "Rodney, I think you're great and all, but…no."

There was a pregnant silence.

"Come again?"

Brittany rolled her eyes, and stood up. She marched down the table until she reached Rodney, saying, "I said no."

"Oh…" Rodney was sad. Brittany suddenly felt very awkward.

"I'm kinda not hungry anymore. Would you like to show me around your palace some more?"

"I guess," Rodney said glumly.

"Aw, c'mon, Rod, cheer up! There's a special woman out there for you, miles better than me probably. And would you really want to spend your life with a woman that doesn't have tentacles?"

Rodney grinned ruefully and responded, "I guess you're right."

"I usually am. Now, c'mon!"

As Rodney ushered Brittany along the corridors, she thought back to all the good times, the good food, the crazy conversations they'd shared since they first met…

It had been the day before, and Brittany had been visiting Lake Erie with her family. She had been floating in the water, staring up at the sky, wondering why people didn't have any cool parts – like tails, or antlers, or horns.

At just that moment, a half-man, half-fish creature with tentacles had arisen from the water astride a manatee. "Nice tentacles," she exclaimed once he was completely surfaced.

"Thank you, fair maiden! I wax them daily." There was a moment of silent, heroic posing, before the creature continued, "I greet you heartily!" The manatee he was riding squeaked and the creature continued, "My companion also greets you!"

"You can understand the fish?"

"Yes!"

"Oh my god, that's so awesome! Wait a minute…are you Aqua-"

The creature, breaking his heroic bearing for the first time, threw his hands up in the air and shrieked, "Noooo! Shhhhh! I'm not allowed to say that name."

"Really?"

"Yes. I don't have the rights. DC is not very forgiving about this sort of thing."

"Oh…what are you called, then?"

Comporting himself heroically again, raising himself as high as one can while sitting on a manatee, he declared, "I am Sea Man! Ruler of the Seas, the Oceans, Gulfs, Bays, and several large Lakes."

"Sea Man…I like it."

"Thank you."

"It's very dignified."

"That's what I was going for."

A silence fell between them. Sea Man grinned widely at Brittany, while she smiled politely in return. Finally she exclaimed, "Alright! Well, it was nice to meet you, but I'm kind of hungry and-"

It was then that Sea Man grabbed Brittany around the waist and galloped away on his manatee.

Brittany was shaken from her remembrances as they arrived at the observation deck. Totally encompassed by clear glass, from the observation deck you had a 360 degree view of the surrounding oceanic landscape. They sat together on one of the viewing couches; Rodney had one tentacle around her shoulder, a hand resting on her forearm, and a fin caressing her thigh. They watched the animals swim by, and he told her more interesting facts about the ocean.

"We're 200 feet below the surface right now. The lowest point in the ocean is nearly four miles deep."

"Water covers just over 18% of the earth's surface."

"You see that lobster? It's actually an insect."

"Fish can hold their breath for over two years."

"Sharks cannot swim backwards. They also can't swim sideways, but they're wonderful lovers."

Brittany finally interrupted him, saying, "I like sharks."

"Yes," he responded, "most people do." There was another moment of silence. "Oh look, there's a dolphin!"

"Ugh. I hate dolphins. That movie was so scary." Brittany shuddered in disgust. "Flipper."

Rodney used this as an opportunity to draw Brittany even closer. "You don't need to worry about them. Let me tell you a little-known secret about dolphins: they're actually just gay sharks. That's why they're always playing with balls."

They sat together for awhile longer. Brittany enjoyed Rodney's company and learned many new things, but she eventually had to tell him she was ready to leave.

"Alright, you should probably take me home now. My parents have no idea where I am. They probably think I drowned."

And thus ended Brittany's adventure under the sea.

The End


	4. Agent Brittany Gets the Girl

A/N: Lol, I just couldn't stop myself. This turned out radically different than what I set out to write, and very different than what I've previously done with this series. I thought about posting it as a separate fic, but decided that since it is pretty cracky at heart, and is still based on a Brittany one-liner, to include it in here. I was initially going to split it up and post it in several parts, but decided to just go ahead and make the whole thing one ridiculously long chapter. There are shades of "Chuck" in here, as it's the only spy show I've ever watched, but I don't think I ripped off too much. Um, this is technically both Brittana and Brittany/OFC.

**Backup, Or: Agent Brittany Gets the Girl**

"_I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary."_

Several hundred miles away, in a secure facility, a middle-aged, grizzled man ripped the headset from his head, threw them to the table, and growled, "That's the code phrase. She needs backup."

He turned around to address a woman of about eighteen who was lounging against the wall, cleaning her nails with a knife. "Tomlinson! You up for this?"

Tomlinson looked up from her nails with a feral grin, and purred, "Always."

* * *

The next day Agent Tomlinson had been inserted into the Lima public school system as a transfer student, and she was about to make contact with her fellow agent. She spotted her a little ways down the hall, looking all cozy with the brunette. Tomlinson shook her head ruefully; it always amazed her how fully Agent Brittany could give herself to a cover.

At two years old Brittany had come to the attention of certain members of the US Intelligence community for her above genius-level IQ and her ability to accidentally(?) make explosives from items found in a normal day care. They knew that if they didn't gain access to her, she could become a serious threat to national security. So, from two until the age of ten, she had become the property of the US government, and had been put through the most rigorous training program known to man. Knives, guns, explosives, subterfuge, acting, dancing, chemistry, biology, they taught her anything that might help her in her job as a weapon of the government. By the time she hit puberty she was one of the most dangerous human beings alive. One thing they couldn't teach, however, was normal social skills. It was decided to place her back in the care of her parents in Lima, so that she could mingle with people of her own age. Only during the summers did her training outside Lima continue as usual.

Of course the actual Brittany Pierce would attract too much attention, so a nominal cover was concocted to help her blend in. Genius Agent Brittany became dim bulb ditzy Brit-Brit, and her interests were shifted from weapons and science to cheerleading and music.

In the last year, in a coincidence of monumental proportions, it had become evident that a large terrorist cell was amassing in Lima. God knew why. So Brittany's vacation from spy life suddenly became one of the most important missions she'd ever undertaken. She had been able to handle it alone…until now.

As Tomlinson approached the duo, she schooled her features into the unassuming, innocent visage of a teenager. Once she was a few feet away she threw her hands into the air and screamed, "Brittany? OMG!"

Brittany recoiled from the brunette and from the intruding voice, and her eyes widened in surprise. If Tomlinson didn't know the girl better, she would think that she had actually startled her. "Sasha…" Brittany uttered slowly, glancing nervously at the brunette as she accepted the other agent's embrace, "wow…what're you doing here?"

"My parents moved. So crazy, right? Who would have thought we'd ever see each other after…"

"After last summer, yeah. Small world."

Sasha's grin grew wider as she noticed the brunette giving their still entwined hands a death glare. After a moment of silence, the brunette cleared her throat. Brittany startled and said, "Oh, right…Sasha, this is my friend Santana. Santana, this is…Sasha."

"Best friend," Santana reminded Brittany tersely as she shook Sasha's hand. She tried to grin somewhat warmly, but failed. Sasha's grin was completely real, but not at all warm.

As soon as she dropped Santana's hand she turned to Brittany and said, "So, Brit, we should talk."

"Yeah," Brittany said slowly, knowing that now that her real life was closing in some things might have to change. Santana couldn't be included in their conversations, and the more Brittany hesitated in going with Sasha the more Santana might think something was curious about the situation. Usually she would move heaven and earth to keep from hurting Santana, but it would be better in this circumstance to just act oblivious and insensitive. She turned to Santana, whose confusion and anger she could clearly see, and cheerfully said, "I'm gonna go hang with Sasha for awhile, Santana! Later!"

"Later," Santana bit out furiously.

Brittany smiled brightly, linked arms with Sasha, and led her away from her friend. Once they were out of earshot, she leaned in close and whispered, "What the FUCK are you doing here?"

"You called for backup," Sasha replied, smirking.

"I meant a squad or two DOZEN of marines! What the holy fuck is Rogers thinking? There is an army being built in this town, and they're running drugs and weapons through this school."

"Soldiers make a lot of noise, Brit." Sasha responded flippantly. "We don't. Rogers is confident in our ability to neutralize the situation with the minimal amount of collateral damage. What's the matter, babe? Can't handle being around me?"

Brittany snorted. "I wasn't the one obsessed, Sasha. We had a summer fling, and it was hot and great, and now it would be technically illegal on your part so you need to get over it."

"I'm over it." Sasha replied stiffly. She looked upset for a moment, before smirking again and lilting, "But rumor says it affected you more than a little. Suddenly you're shacking up with the brunette."

"Her name is Santana," Brittany replied fiercely.

"Like it matters," Sasha sneered.

Brittany suddenly veered off to the right and pushed Sasha into a corner. She leaned close and whispered, "It does matter. It matters to me, and it matters to the mission. If you're going to be passing yourself off as my friend, you'll have to spend time around her. We're not going to be able to take down C.H.A.R.M. this very day. You might be older than me, S, but I've been doing this a lot longer than you." She paused for a moment to look intently into Sasha's eyes, and then said in a deadly serious voice, "And if you question me, or if you toy with Santana, I will tear you the fuck apart. Do you understand me, my friend?"

Sasha was breathing heavily by this point. "Yeah," she said raggedly, "I understand."

Brittany backed away from the other agent. "I assume you got the same schedule as me?" Sasha nodded. "Alright, then we have biology. Remember my cover; don't expect me to know any of the answers."

* * *

That night they were on a recon mission, with Brittany showing Sasha all the locations associated with the guns and drugs ring. It was a relatively low-key mission, so Sasha didn't roll her eyes too much that Brittany had finally answered the tenth or so phone call from Santana.

"Santana, I'm sorry! … I really didn't mean to forget that we had plans, but what do you want me to do now? I'm already with Sasha at the movies. We're about to go in. … I can't just leave! It's not every day that an old friend moves to town. … I told you, I met her this summer in Cabo."

At that point Sasha saw a group of men leave the building, each with a suitcase in their hands. Sasha smacked Brittany on her shoulder, and gestured to them. "Gotta go, movie's starting!" Brittany said quickly, wincing as the snapped the phone shut. She threw the phone onto the dashboard. Both of the girls slunk down in their seats a little.

"Money or drugs?" Sasha wondered, nodding toward the suitcases.

"Money," Brittany answered. "Money goes out, merchandise comes in. There are more drugs and guns in this town than in most of South America. They've been stockpiling for months. That has started to slow down, though, the amount of drugs floating around school indicates that they've started selling a little of what they've horded. I called because they're about to make their move…whatever it is. Whoever they've created such a treasure trove for is going to be coming to town soon." She turned to her friend, grinning, and said fiercely, "And we're going to take them down hard."

Sasha grinned back. This was the first time since she'd arrived that she felt like she was with the same person she had come to know in the years before. It was suddenly just like old times, which went a long way to explaining why she leaned over and kissed her. Brittany, caught off guard, went with it for a moment, but quickly broke away and whispered, "Sasha, what the fuck?"

"Sorry! Sorry!" Sasha whispered back, her eyes closed, biting her lip. "Fuck!" She beat her fist against the dashboard, and then turned back to Brittany, "This is all your fault!"

"My fault?" exclaimed Brittany, turning fully to face Sasha. "How the fuck do you figure that?"

"You're the one who seduced me in the first place!"

"Seduced you? We were sharing a tent in Siberia! I was trying to stay warm!"

"Bullshit! You wanted me then, and you want me now. I want you too, Brittany. Why are you fighting this? Because of some fake relationship in your fake life? What are you going to do when you graduate, and Rogers comes to take you back to work? This life of yours has no future, Brittany, because it's not your life. That girl doesn't know the real you. I do. Only I do."

Brittany bit her lip. "Sasha…"

They were interrupted by gunfire. Bullets flew through the windshield, almost hitting both of them. One of the bullets did demolish Brittany's phone. They whipped their heads around to see some of them men with suitcases across the street firing at them. "Fuck, we've been made!"

Sasha shifted the car into drive, Brittany slammed down on the gas pedal, and they lurched forward and turned left. Sasha hung outside of the window, firing back at their attackers. She scored at least one hit. Some of the men jumped into their own vehicle to chase after them. But Brittany had been taught to evade pursuers since she was six, and lost them after only ten minutes. Still, they had seen her face…

"I can't go back to my house," she proclaimed a few minutes after they had escaped. "They might've recognized me."

"We can…go to my hotel," Sasha offered hesitantly. Brittany was silent for almost a minute. Then she nodded.

* * *

"What the fuck, Brittany?"

It was the next day. Sasha and Brittany had arrived at school separately to avoid notice, but Brittany had been confronted instantly by the furious visage of Santana Lopez. "What?" She asked innocently, trying to stay calm while faced with the anger and hurt of her best friend.

"I tried calling you like ten times last night, after you fucking hung up on me, but you never answered!"

Brittany winced, though she should have expected something like this. There was nothing to be done, however. The damage was done.

"I lost my phone," she explained. "Besides," she said flippantly, "it's not a big deal. We can go one night without talking to each other before we go to sleep."

The fury radiating off of Santana was palpable. She glared at her friend up and down. Then…her eyes widened in shock. "You're…you're wearing the same clothes you were yesterday."

Panic began rise within Brittany, though she didn't show it outwardly. "We wear our uniforms every day."

"You're wearing the same one," Santana ground out slowly. She lifted her gaze again, catching Brittany's eyes. "Did you spend the night with that bitch?"

Brittany had been taught to lie since she was three. She could fool seasoned agents, global political leaders, lovers of any gender, and any machine invented. She was flawless.

"N-no," she stammered. She winced, shocked at her slip-up. With Santana gazing into her eyes, she was as amateurish as any civilian.

Santana's eyes widened even more. The fury that had radiated from her was now replaced by an even greater amount of hurt. "You did! You slept with that slut. You, you-"

Unable to come up with an appropriate insult, Santana just reared back and slapped the girl standing in front of her. The sound reverberated in the suddenly silent hallway, and those around them froze in their tracks. All eyes were on Brittany.

Santana whirled around and began to stomp away. "Santana!" Brittany called out, following her down the hallway. "It's not what you think!"

"I've heard that one before! Fuck off!"

"I swear it's not what you think!"

Brittany reached her friend and grabbed her arm to keep her from going any further. Santana whirled around and pushed Brittany away as hard as she could, causing the other girl to stumble backward and crash to the floor. Brittany looked up at Santana in shock.

"I said leave me alone!" Santana shrieked at the supine girl. Then she turned and stormed away, leaving Brittany alone on the hallway floor.

* * *

Later in the day, Sasha and Brittany were sitting mostly in silence in the cafeteria. Brittany had been morose and silent all morning. Sasha knew exactly what was wrong – she could have figured it out from context, but also the talk of the fight between Brittany and Santana was the talk of the school -, but Brittany didn't want to talk about it and Sasha sure as hell didn't.

Across the room Santana exited the lunch line and froze for an instant at seeing Brittany and Sasha sitting together, but then set her face in determination and took a seat at an empty table.

Brittany released a heavy sigh, causing Sasha to roll her eyes. "You're really pathetic, you know that?"

Brittany didn't even try to argue. "It's not fair," she moaned. "She's technically right, but I can't even explain. I can't tell her that we got into a firefight, that my phone was shot, and that I spent the night on the floor of your hotel room. I can't even tell her half the truth without her asking all sorts of questions. Jesus, I couldn't even tell a little white lie this morning."

Brittany glanced at Sasha with a pout. Sasha snorted and shook her head, "You'll get no sympathy from me."

"That's because you're a sociopath," Brittany snapped. Sasha burst into laughter, and small smile snuck onto Brittany's face.

The small amount of good humor vanished suddenly, and she whispered, "Oh, fuck."

Sasha allowed her laugh to taper off naturally, and quietly asked, "What?"

Brittany switched to Russian as she said, "Glance outside the window."

Outside the school, across the street, was a surveillance unit that did not belong to her government. It would have been invisible to anyone but the most expert. As Sasha followed her order, Brittany snuck her own glances around the room. Suddenly she began to notice some students she had never seen before. "We're fucked," she said, again in Russian. What the fuck were they thinking, attacking the school? "We've got company inside, too. God knows what else." She said, still speaking Russian. "We need lure them out of the cafeteria."

"Yup," said Sasha, switching back to English. "C'mon, Brit-Brit, let's get some chocolate in you. That always helps when I'm depressed."

"Alright," Brittany said morosely, allowing Sasha to grasp her hand and lead her away. As soon as they were outside the lunch room, she was all business. "You get your weapons, I'll get mine. Meet me at my locker in five."

Sasha nodded brusquely and separated from her colleague. Brittany hurried to the Glee room, where her cache of weapons was located. She chose several knives and her favorite handgun, and began stashing them on her person. As she was loading up, the first wave of assassins arrived. She dispatched them easily, even without her guns.

As she left to Glee room, she made a beeline to the nearest fire alarm and pulled it. It wouldn't do to have some unsuspecting civilian discover an unconscious or dead terrorist just lying around. She discreetly made her way through the ocean of students filing out of the building.

She met up with Sasha at her locker. "It's a straight up fucking invasion," Sasha exclaimed gleefully as Brittany approached. "I met up with five already. You?"

"Four."

They leaned against the lockers and eyed the dwindling surge of students. Some of the stragglers eyed them, wondering why they weren't filing out, but none of them cared enough to stop and question them. As the crush finally ended, Brittany swatted Sasha on her shoulder and said, "Well, time to finish this thing."

They pushed themselves off the lockers and marched deeper into the building. For the next half-hour they acted in tandem; a highly trained, highly efficient killing machine. No firemen or police had entered the building to investigate the supposed fire, so Brittany had to assume that either her superiors or whoever was running C.H.A.R.M. had intervened. Just after she had snapped the neck of number fifty-seven, the intercom crackled to life.

"Would Miss Brittany Pierce please come to the Principal's office? Brittany Pierce to the principal's office." Brittany and Sasha paused, and shared equally bemused looks. Brittany shrugged.

"Briiiiittany, someone wants to talk to youuuuuu!" Brittany's eyes narrowed, and she frowned. Sasha raised her eyebrows. Then there came a second voice, one that sent chills down Brittany's spine.

"Brittany?" It was Santana. Her voice was thick with confusion and tears and fear. Sasha winced as she saw her friend's face harden and her eyes fill with a fury she had never seen. "What's going on? Who is this guy? He says…he says that if you don't give yourself up he's g-going to kill-"

She was cut off suddenly. There was a crack, followed by the sound of Santana crying out in pain, and then the first voice came back on. "The roof, five minutes. Alone."

Without saying a word Brittany began to march determinedly down the hallway. Her fists were clenched tightly, her knuckles white with tension. Sasha trotted after her. "Brittany! What the fuck do you think you're doing? You can't drop everything just because one chick is in trouble! Who knows how many of them are left down here? You don't know that he didn't kill her the second he turned off that microphone. How do you know you're not walking into a trap?"

Brittany whirled around and brought her face within inches of Sasha's. In a low, furious voice she hissed, "I don't care how many of them are left down here. I know he didn't kill her, because nobody is stupid enough to make me that furious. And there's no trap alive that can catch me. Now, what the fuck did I tell you about questioning me?"

"Don't do it?"

"Fucking right," Brittany said, bringing her hand up to cup Sasha's cheek. "I trust you, Sasha. I respect you. You're a great friend and a great agent. But I love Santana. Only she knows me. And I don't care if there are ten thousand werewolves and a fucking tank waiting for me on that roof – If I have to kill ten thousand werewolves to make sure Santana is safe, I will." With her thumb Brittany wiped away a tear that had fallen from Sasha's eye. "But there are not ten thousand werewolves, or a tank; there's just one stupid fuck. Handle the situation down here for a bit, I won't be long."

With a gentle kiss to Sasha's forehead, Brittany turned and strode away.

* * *

Santana had never been this terrified, or this confused. She could barely focus on the confusion through the terror, but she couldn't help wondering who the guy was with the gun pointed to her neck, who the other guys were downstairs who followed his orders, and how Brittany fit into the whole thing.

Thinking of Brittany had her biting back another whimper. She had been so jealous and angry the last couple of days, ever since that Sasha girl had shown up. She and Brittany seemed to share this secret connection and secret language and secret everything. Santana hated it, because that's what her relationship with Brittany was supposed to be, not some other girl's. And she had never seen Brittany so wrapped up in anyone other than herself. It was so scary to think she was losing her best friend. And when she had shown up this morning wearing the same clothes as the day before, after ditching their plans the night before, all the jealousy, the fear, the fury…it just exploded out of her. She literally was incapable of giving Brittany a chance to explain.

And the thought that those were going to be her last words, her last actions to her best friend, the person she loved most in the world, was unbearable. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and bit her lip, trying desperately to forget her present situation. 'Please let this be a dream, please let this be a dream,' she chanted over and over. It was only the sound of Brittany's voice that caused her eyes to shoot open in surprise.

For a second, she thought her ears had deceived her. The girl in front of her – no, the woman in front of her - looked exactly like her friend, though the fury on her face and the intelligence and confidence in her eyes were completely out of place, but her bearing was so different as to make her seem like an entirely different person. It was tense, coiled, and predatory.

"So, here I am."

The man tightened his grip on Santana and pressed his gun deeper into her neck, causing her to cry out. The fury in Brittany's eyes increased and she took a step forward. "Stay where you are," the man exclaimed nervously, pointing his gun towards Brittany. "Put your hands in the air!"

Brittany stopped her forward movement, and raised her hands. "Good," the man panted, "Good."

Brittany smirked, and shook her head in amusement. "You don't have a clue what you're doing, do you?"

"I'm the one with the fucking gun pointed at you, aren't I?"

Brittany flat out laughed at the man's posturing. "Christ, you're just some schmuck. This is starting to make some sense, now. I'll bet you pissed someone off recently, right? And then you get put in charge of this "mission"? They tell you what to do…or what to try to do. They tell you to take me out, right? But you have no fucking clue who I am."

Santana was flabbergasted. The man's grip on her was loosening, his skin was slick with sweat, and his breathing was frantic. He was scared. Of Brittany. "You're Brittany S. Pierce," the man sneered, trying to maintain some semblance of control over the situation, trying to break, even for an instant, the calm veneer of the woman opposite him. "And the person you care about most in the world is Santana Lopez, who I could kill any fucking second! So cut the fucking tough guy act, and do what I fucking say!"

Brittany clicked her tongue, her smile becoming cruel. "Yeah, you don't have any fucking idea who I am. You think I'm just some cop, or maybe a Fed. You think I'm dangerous, but not, you know, _dangerous._ But you start to get an idea of who I am when all your little friends stop answering their radios, when you hear screams of terror and the sounds of men choking to death on their own blood. Yeah, you start to get an inkling of what I can do. But you've still got that ace up your sleeve; you've still got my fucking girlfriend, who you've taken to try to prove to your boss that you have initiative, that you're a Big fucking Man. But all it amounts to is this. This is your grand plan: piss me off, and then actually meet me alone in an isolated place with only one viable exit point." Brittany sneered at the man in front of her. "I can see why your boss sent you on a suicide mission."

"He didn't…that's not-"

"I'm going to cut to the chase, friend: If you let her go now, I'll only kill you."

"What?" the man squeaked, the gun wavering in his hands. "Only…But-"

Brittany cut him off, saying, "There's no scenario where you live for longer than five minutes from right this second. If you let her go now you die peacefully and quickly. If you get stubborn, though, if you make me do something interesting that puts her in even one iota more danger than she's in right now, then…well…" She grinned. "I don't like to be dramatic, so I'll leave it to your imagination."

There was a moment of silence. Santana had never been more shocked in her life. Finally the man, with a small whimper, raised his gun-wielding hand in the air.

"You're a coward piece of shit," Brittany said in disgust. "Now, let her go, place the gun on the ground, get on your knees, and place your hands behind your head."

As soon as the arm around her throat was loosened slightly she slipped away and raced across the roof to where Brittany was standing. "Brittany! Oh God, oh Christ, oh fuck, oh my God." She wrapped both arms around Brittany as hard as she could, and pressed every available inch of her body as closely to Brittany as she could. She clung to Brittany, the way she used to cling to her father or mother as a small child when she had a nightmare or after she got lost in Wal-Mart. She could barely put a rational thought together so overwhelmed was she by the fear, happiness, and gratitude she felt. Brittany turned her head to face Santana, and placed her lips to Santana's forehead, whispering comforting sounds directly to her skin. She wrapped one arm around Santana's body, pressing her even closer still.

Almost as an afterthought, without turning her head, Brittany reached behind her and drew the gun she had in the waistband of her pants, and she shot the man through the forehead. With that done, she threw the weapon to the ground and wrapped her other arm around Santana. "It's alright, baby," she whispered, peppering Santana's tear-soaked face with kisses. "It's over now. You're safe. I love you so much, Santana. I'm never going to let anything bad happen to you, I swear it."

Epilogue

Two days later Brittany and Sasha stood in front of a screen featuring the image of General Ryan Rogers. "You blew up the school?" He asked incredulously.

"Only part of it," Brittany replied flippantly.

"Grenades are explosive. Who knew?" Chirped Sasha, grinning at Brittany.

General Rogers raised an eyebrow and asked, "And you found it necessary to use a grenade?"

"Weeeeell," responded Sasha, drawing out the word, "not necessary, exactly. But I was getting so fucking bored taking them out one or two at a time, General. You can't deny a girl a little variety in her carnage."

Rogers allowed a small smile to play at the corner of his mouth, before moving on to the next to the next item. "And you secured the enemy warehouses?"

"What was left. They were mostly cleaned out. Looks like we spooked them, General."

Rogers frowned. "That's not necessarily a good thing. We have no idea where they might go now."

Brittany shrugged. "Wherever they go, they still have to rebuild. More guns, more drugs, more space, more connections…it'll take awhile. I'm sure you'll find them, sir."

"Yes," responded the General absently. He was silent for a moment, before shaking his head and stating, "Well, that leaves only the matter of one Santana Lopez."

"Sir?"

"She knows your secret, Brittany. And it's clear to anyone who spends more than an hour watching you that she's the way to get to you. That's dangerous. That's the kind of dangerous we eliminate."

"No," Brittany stated firmly. "Absolutely not."

"Brittany…"

Brittany stood straighter and said, "Sir, I am proud to serve my country. I love being an agent. I love being your agent. You're like a father to me. But, and I'm stating this as delicately as I can, I will **never **allow you to harm that girl. Do you understand?"

They stared each other down, mentor and protégé, pseudo father and pseudo daughter, each with faces as blank as stone. Silence stretched into the minutes. It was Sasha who finally broke it. "Listen, sir…I understand your trepidation. But it's not exactly uncommon for agents to date, even get married. Thus far, Brittany's relationship with Santana has caused no unfortunate consequences. It would be hasty to make a decision at this point."

Sasha glanced at the blonde beside her to find that Brittany was smiling warmly at her. She grinned back. The General cleared his throat, and said, "Fine. For now, the situation will be allowed to continue."

Brittany opened her mouth to argue, but Sasha placed a hand on her shoulder and said warningly, "Brittany…"

Brittany's mouth snapped shut. She didn't look ecstatic, but she cleared her throat and said, "Thank you, general. I promise you that this won't affect my work."

"See that it doesn't," the general stated gruffly. He quickly cut off their connection, leaving the two girls standing alone in a silent room.

Brittany took Sasha's hand in hers, and lifted it to her lips. "Thank you," she said, her voice filled with gratitude. "I know that wasn't easy for you."

Sasha smiled in return, but extracted her hand from Brittany's grasp. "It was easier that you might think. I had a sort of epiphany while I was knee-deep in bodies, covered in blood and gore, having been abandoned by my partner so she could go make out on the roof…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...get to the point."

"I realized that as much as I love grenades, they're only something that I can handle every once in awhile. They're too powerful, too explosive, too unpredictable."

Brittany smirked. "And I'm the grenade in this scenario?"

"Yeah," Sasha sighed. "I'm used to being the mysterious, exciting one in a relationship. I like it. I like being in charge and keeping my partners on their toes." She bit her lip and looked at Brittany through her eyelashes, "Losing control is fun for awhile, but eventually I need a solid, steady knife or gun in my hands."

Brittany clapped her on the shoulder and said, "Well, I think you meandered away from your metaphor for a bit, but I understand what you're saying." She wrapped her arm around Sasha's shoulders and they began making their way out of the room. "One day you'll find someone for you, Sasha. Someone who is your equal, who you can amaze and be amazed by, who gets and accepts you and all your weirdness and sociopathy-"

"I'm not a sociopath!"

"And, if you can convince Rogers that he or she isn't a security risk who needs to be killed, you can live happily ever after."

"You know, you sound like you're being all nice, but really you're just rubbing it in my face that that's already happened for you."

Brittany grinned.

"Two minutes ago you were convinced I was in love with you! I bet you still would've done this."

Brittany snorted.

"**You**'re the sociopath!"

Brittany laughed. Sasha followed suit, and soon their laughter was echoing throughout the halls.

The End

A/N2: Holy shit! This is easily the longest fic I've ever written, and I did it all in two nights. This seriously came out of nowhere. The initial idea was a short crack!fic about the ridiculousness of SecretAgent!Brittany having to fend off assassins while trying to maintain the façade of a normal day. Then Sasha shoved her way into the story, and Badass!Brittany came sharply into focus, and suddenly they had such a good dynamic that I had to be careful not to make the story a pure Brittany/Sasha fic. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it!


	5. How Brittany Got Promoted

A/N: And, I'm back! The last couple of episodes have not provided me much inspiration for crackfics, despite being great and containing some wonderful one-liners. So I went back to the Season 1 well. Credit must go to **BugFan4Ever**, whose "Ducks and Hats and Cats, Oh My!" is a fic organized much along the same lines as this one (although set much more in reality) and whose latest cute-as-hell chapter inspired me to tackle, in my own special way, this latest gem of a one-liner: _She's the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker._

**Clawed, Or: How Brittany Got Promoted**

There was once a boy who went to WMHS by the name of Simeon Alzbee. He was an alright kind of person, liked well enough by most everybody if not exactly popular with the girls. He did have this habit, though, that could get annoying. He had to question everything. Anything anybody said or did, he had to ask ten freakin' questions about it, trying to understand exactly what was meant even by the simplest statement. Like I said, this was a minor annoyance most of the time. People that didn't know him well or who were just physiological incapable of meanness would sometimes fall victim to his compulsion and end up in a conversation lasting forty-five minutes consisting only of circular questions. But if you just kept telling him to shut up or if you just refused to humor him he would eventually act like a normal human being.

One person who simply could not get past his habit, though, was Brittany Pierce. To begin with Brittany was pretty incapable of being mean to someone, especially directly to their face. But more importantly…you don't ask Brittany questions about the things she says or does. She doesn't like it. Brittany S. Pierce doesn't explain herself.

That's like a rule.

Simeon didn't like rules, though. And he just wouldn't let up.

"What do you mean your cat can tap-dance? That doesn't make any sense!"

"I've heard of putting your shoes on the wrong feet, but how the hell does someone put their shoes on backwards?"

"Have you ever even heard of a dictionary, Brittany?"

So…Brittany and Simeon…irresistible force, immovable object. How could the impasse ever be resolved (especially since neither would ever sleep with the other)?

Well…it involved a bird of prey.

-2-

Santana's eyes widened in shock when Brittany opened her locker that morning. Someone had installed a perch in there, and upon it sat a proud-looking bald eagle. It cocked its head, surveying Santana, but otherwise looked as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Santana's gaze darted to Brittany only to find her doing the same thing as the bird. Santana opened her mouth to ask what the hell was going on, but snapped it shut after a moment.

She shrugged and closed her own locker. "Let's go to class," she said to her friend. Brittany's face lit up in a beatific smile. Santana understood her better than anyone else. She knew that even if you found a giant bird in Brittany's locker you just accepted it and moved on. Brittany shut the door to her locker and followed Santana to Spanish.

Throughout the day more and more people saw or heard the eagle Brittany was stowing in her locker, but they said nothing. They just gave that area a large birth and smiled widely whenever Brittany caught their gaze.

Then Simeon got word of what was going on. He searched the girl out between classes, and caught her with her locker door open.

"Jesus Christ, they weren't lying! That's a frickin' bald eagle! Isn't that an endangered species? What the hell are you doing with one in your locker?"

Almost before the question was finished, the bird moved for the first time since showing up. He shot off his perch and dove at Simeon's eyes as if someone had snuck into his home the night before and spent nearly an hour rubbing his face with the mice corpses.

Simeon was laid out in an instant, with the bird clawing and pecking at his eyes and face. His shrieks echoed throughout the hall for nearly a minute, and everyone around them froze and watched in shock. After letting the bird go at Simeon for awhile, Brittany lifted her arm and called out, "Snuzzlepants, come!"

The bird ceased his activity and flew to his mistress' arm, settling onto his perch and then affectionately cooing and nipping at her ear.

Simeon was still screaming in pain and insisting that he'd been blinded.

"Good Snuzzlepants," Brittany cooed, giving the eagle a kiss on the beak. She returned the bird to his locker perch without another word, slung her bag over her shoulder, and made her way to her next class without even glancing at Simeon.

-3-

Still later in the day Brittany was again at her locker. Someone had found and removed Simeon, and even the blood and feathers had been cleaned from the floors. Brittany was about to open her locker when she noticed the principal and several other teachers approaching her with serious looks on their faces.

Aborting her task, she turned to face them and enthused, "Hey Principal Figgins!"

"Hello Brittany," Figgins returned solemnly. "We've had some very unusual reports about you."

"Like what?"

"Can you open your locker for us, Ms. Pierce?"

"Why?"

Figgins sighed in frustration. "Do you have a large bird living in your locker, Brittany? One that will attack other students on command?"

There was silence. Then there was the sound of a large bird trying to escape a closed locker to peck the eyes out of a certain Principal asking too many questions.

"No," responded Brittany. "That's silly, and would be dangerous."

"Indeed," intoned Figgins. "I'm going to have to ask you again to open your locker, Brittany. If you refuse, we will open it without your consent."

Brittany pouted for a moment before saying, "Fine. I'll open the stupid locker to prove that there's no stupid bird in there."

She turned and began entering the combination. There was a moment of tense silence after the door was unlocked but before it was opened. Then she threw open the door, exclaiming, "Code Black, Snuzzlepants! Code black!" She threw herself backward against the shocked wall of teachers, knocking them off balance and allowing the eagle to escape the confined of her locker and spread its wings. She scrambled to her feet and took off running down the hall. "This way, Snuzz!"

The eagle flew after her, and the dazed teachers followed. Brittany raced through the school, past the dumbfounded faces of her fellow students, toward the exit. She reached the doors to the outside world a good thirty yards ahead of her teachers, and held the door open for Snuzzlepants. Once he was out, she followed suit and, whooping and laughing, watched him soar into the sky.

"Live free, Snuzzlepants!" she exclaimed, pumping her fist in the air, "Live free!"

Then she was tackled to the ground.

-4-

About an hour later, Brittany sat in the counselor's office with a very confused looking Ms. Pillsbury and a very angry looking Principal Figgins. Brittany calmly gazed back.

"Brittany…" she said hesitantly, still unsure as to whether or not she believe what happened, "do you understand why you're here?"

"No."

Ms. Pillsbury and Figgins shared an exasperated glance. "You're here because of the bird, Brittany. The bird in your locker."

Brittany cocked her head in confusion, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Figgins heaved a frustrated sigh and began muttering to himself in Hindi. "We all saw the bird, Brittany."

Brittany pouted. "I plead the sixth commandment."

"Where did you even get a bald eagle, Brittany? We've called all the zoos within a 300 mile radius, and there are none missing."

"Or is it the seventh?"

"Brittany, this is serious! Simeon Alzbee was very badly hurt."

Brittany scoffed, "He can still see out of one eye, the big baby. And his face wasn't exactly much to look at to begin with. Plus, he deserved it!"

"Why on earth would he deserve such a thing?"

Brittany leveled a threatening glare at the two administrators and said ominously, "He wouldn't stop asking me questions. Everybody knows not to do that."

Emma stared at the young girl before her, slack-jawed, and Principal Figgins commenced stuttering. Before they could gain control of the situation again, which probably would have lead to yelling and recriminations and probably a charge of felony assault, Sue Sylvester strutted into the room.

"Figgins," she greeted the Principal. "orangutan-girl," she said, nodding to Emma.

"Sue," responded Figgins politely.

Emma glared at Sue for a moment before asking, "What are you doing here, Sue?"

"I'm here for Brittany," she declared, putting her hands on her hips.

"Excuse me?" spluttered Emma. Figgins just frowned.

"Alright, you're excused. Give us about ten minutes, then you can have your office back."

Emma's mouth opened and closed in shock. Sue stared her and Figgins down until they began to make their way to the exit. "Thank you both," Sue called after them, "it's a marvel of modern science that they've discovered a way for people without spines to support their musculature and move around."

Once they were alone, Sue leaned against Emma's desk and surveyed the girl sitting in front of her. "So," she exclaimed after a minute or so of silence, "I hear you trained a bird to attack a fellow student for your own amusement, rendering him partially blind and disfigured."

Brittany nodded.

"Why'd you do that?"

Brittany shrugged. "He wouldn't stop asking me questions and trying to make me explain myself."

"Fantastic! That show's a considerable amount of backbone, girl. And there's nothing I love more than backbone, except for Italian Wedding Soup. Although I hate weddings."

"I've never understood weddings," Brittany interjected.

"I don't care about that. So I've talked to Simeon and his parents. I've convinced them that it would be in the best interest of everybody involved if they don't press charges and do move to Iowa."

A bright smile lit up Brittany's face. "That's really cool, Ms. Sylvester!"

"I only did it partially for your sake. I know myself, and I know I couldn't stand to be within a hundred miles of someone who disgraced himself as pathetically as that. Getting attacked by a predatory bird," she intoned, shaking her head. "What is this world coming to? Whenever I get attacked by birds, I grab them by their scrawny necks and snap their hollow bones."

"Snuzzlepants!"

"But enough about that. I didn't prevent you from getting thrown into Juvie out of the kindness of my heart. You impressed me today, Brittany. You've shown a level of steel and ruthlessness worthy of a young Sue Sylvester. And you're not a bad dancer, either. I think the time has come to move you from JV to the varsity Cheerios. How does that sound? And keep in mind that if you question my will I can still kill you like a chicken."

"Um…" uttered Brittany, worrying her bottom lip.

"What?" Sue barked. "This is the chance of your miserable life!"

"Can Santana come with me?"

"Sure," said Sue with a small smile. "Alright, enough talking! We start practicing now! Go find Santana, and if you're not in the gym in ten minutes I'll make you run ten miles while carrying another Cheerio on your back!"

The End


	6. How Brittany Lost Her Wheelchair

**Invasion – Part One, Or: How Brittany Lost Her Wheelchair**

"It's so totally weird seeing you guys in those things," exclaimed Katrina Summers in her usual vacant voice. "It's, like, sad. It reminds me of a homeless guy I saw when daddy took me to Philadelphia."

"Totally," agreed Brittany, although she had never been to Philadelphia and the only homeless she had ever seen was Patches. "Mr. Shue is making us be in these so we know what it's like to be Artie."

"Who?"

"At first I was scared," continued Brittany, not noticing the interruption, "but it's okay- we don't actually have to become robots."

"Right…" uttered Katrina, confused. She was considering asking Brittany to explain what she meant, always a scary possibility, when she was distracted by a high-pitched beeping. She looked around for the source of annoyance, and discovered that it was coming from Brittany's charm bracelet. "Your wrist is beeping, Brit."

"No it's not," answered Brittany immediately, a small frown adorning her face. As she said this she began to turn her chair around.

"It totally is!" asserted Katrina. "Brittany, what's going-"

"I've gotta go," interrupted Brittany, wheeling away. "I think I hear Santana calling me."

"I don't hear anything," Katrina called after her, cocking her head to the side to hear better.

""There must be something wrong with your ears," the departing Brittany called back, "You should see an earologist!" Then she disappeared around the corner, leaving Katrina confused and wondering if she was going deaf.

(-)

Brittany hurried outside, standing up as soon as she exited the school. She picked up her chair and stowed it in the semi-hidden alcove where students went to smoke and make out. That done, she glanced around to make sure nobody was around. Then she lifted off the ground and flew away.

Brittany hadn't always been a superheroine. Up until the age of fourteen she had been a mostly normal girl. Then the most amazing thing in her life had happened: she was bitten by a radioactive duck.

Over the following few months her powers had developed. Super strength and flight were her main ones, but she also had several smaller, more enigmatic powers. She was completely water resistant, for example. And she could swim using only her feet. Which were webbed.

Anyways, it was awesome. Which was her hero name: Miss Awesome.

"Hey, Duck Girl!" exclaimed a male voice once she was several miles into the air and out of town.

Not that anyone listened to her. One time she tells her origin story- one time!- and she get stuck with the most embarrassing hero name ever.

"Hot Pants," Brittany acknowledged with a scowl. Hot Pants had flame powers, of course. He was around her age, but whereas Brittany had decided to only be a reservist superhero and dedicate her time to school and family and friends, Hot Pants had decided to be a hero full time. It would be admirable if she didn't know for a fact it was only so he could get with chicks.

Hot Pants smirked at Brittany's scowl. He had dark brown hair, piercing blue eyes, and literally a perfect body. It was completely on display, as usual, as Hot Pants' costume consisted of nothing more than…well…a pair of hot pants. On fire.

"So what's the situation," asked Brittany, trying to skip past all the usual posturing and flirting and reminiscences about when they used to date and fight crime together. Yeah, she'd tapped that. But she had since moved on to much better things. "It must be important for the Confederation to beep me in the middle of a schoolday. I was in the middle of a conversation when my communicator sounded…I had to really play up the stupid to get out of that one."

"It's total "War of the Worlds" shit," explained Hot Pants. "Alien invasion! There's a huge hive ship making its way to earth. We've been fighting it since the edge of the solar system, but it's still coming strong. All the reservists are being called in. I was sent to meet you and explain the situation…since everyone knows how close we are."

Brittany rolled her eyes. Even in the midst of the end of the world. "We're over, Davey! And you weren't any good."

"Well, that's just a lie."

"Fine, you were great. But let me tell you: I've had much, much better since."

"Yeah…with Santana! So hot, by the way. Anyways, you knew I was the best guy you'd ever have, so you had to change up the menu."

Brittany rolled her eyes and grinned. "Jesus, D! Is your ego sufficiently stroked? Can we just go save the world now?"

Hot Pants grinned back and shrugged. "I suppose…C'mon!"

He was off in a shot, his laughter trailing after him. Brittany giggled and raced to catch up.

(-)

It was all very anti-climactic.

By the time the ship crash-landed on the earth the elder heroes like Perfect Dude, Warrior Chick, and Batman had mostly incapacitated the threat. The ship had no weapons and no way of escaping, so a horde of shape-shifting foot-soldiers was unleashed. Half the assorted heroes began to wipe out the attacking/fleeing aliens, while the other half continued the work of destroying the ship. The key was to kill them almost as soon as they filed out of their ship, before they had time to look around and take an alternate shape. Thankfully, with dozens of heroes milling around, the shape-shifters were easily cleaned up with a minimal amount of confusion.

When the ship finally exploded, and the last of the aliens were vaporized or shot with lasers, Brittany finally took a moment to breathe and survey her surroundings. Now that the threat was past, most everybody was either listlessly cleaning up the damage and gore, or they were milling around together catching up. It was times like this, even more than the awesome battles and ridiculously hot people in tight or skimpy costumes that made her miss being a full-time hero. The sense of camaraderie and community that suffused everyone, even the people that didn't really like each other, was the most appealing part. It was like a big family…

Thinking along these lines made Brittany think of Glee club, and, especially, Santana. As usual when she was in this mood, she realized that she didn't need to fight aliens or catch serial killers to attain a sense of family, because she already had one. One to which she wanted to get back. She weaved her way through the various groups of people, between Hot Pants hitting on JellyFish and the Terrible Trio telling a joke in tandem to the Wonderful Trio, until she found Perfect Dude conferring with Warrior Chick.

"I'm glad I could lend a hand," she began, "but I got to get back to school before they notice I'm gone."

Perfect Dude glanced away from Warrior Chick for a moment to see who was talking to him, then said quickly, "Alright, that's fine Ducky."

Brittany frowned. 'Perfect Bastard is more like it,' she thought. 'Can't even get the name I hate correct'

"I'm telepathic," Perfect Dude reminded her.

'Shit!' she thought, blushing.

Warrior Chick chuckled at the embarrassed girl before warmly saying, "Thank you for your help, Brittany. We'll call again when we need you."

"Thanks," Brittany mumbled, still a bright shade of red. She lifted off and headed home before she could make an even bigger fool of herself.

A few minutes later she was back at WMHS, landing only a few feet away from where she had lifted off. She glanced around to make sure nobody had seen her. Then she reflected on the fact that she probably should have done that before she landed. She shrugged. There was a reason she wasn't a full-time hero.

She went to get her wheelchair, so she could head back inside, but it was not where she had left it.

She looked behind her, and all around.

"What the…?"

She searched the whole area, for a hundred feet in each direction.

"Are you kidding me?"

But it was nowhere to be found.

"What kind of person steals a goddamn wheelchair!" she shrieked, throwing her hands up in frustration and marching back into the school.


	7. Chickfight at the Golden Corral

A/N: This is the first, and will likely be the only, chapter that is not based on a one-liner. It's more based on an entire episode, that being the horrible travesty that was "Never Been Kissed". This is a little bit of therapy for me for the awfulness of that episode. I don't think it's as funny as usual (although it's not lacking in humor), but maybe you'll get some catharsis from this too.

**Invasion – Part Two, Or: Chickfight at the Golden Corral**

Brittany was bored.

This in of itself was nothing special. Brittany was often bored, especially in school. Or church.

She glanced to her side to at Artie, and then across the table at Puck. There was also nothing new about being bored around boys either. Boys often bored her, even on dates. Even while making out. Even during sex.

Boys could very rarely keep Brittany entertained.

No, it was not that she was bored, or bored with boys, that caused the sense of unease, which had been building and building since the date was proposed earlier, to blossom into full-out worry.

Brittany looked diagonally across the table at Santana, her bestest friend in the world, who was currently gazing adoringly at Puck. It was her that was causing Brittany to worry.

Brittany had never, ever, once in her entire life been bored with her best friend.

Until now.

Something was wrong.

(-)

As they were preparing to leave, Brittany decided that for the sake of their friendship she needed to find a way to ditch the boys and find out what was wrong with Santana.

Artie did half the work for her, nobly deciding that he couldn't run out on the waitress. For the first time all night, Brittany was intrigued…

But that would have to wait. Brittany narrowed her eyes as she followed several feet behind Santana and Puck. Santana was hanging all over Puck, emitting pathetic simpering sounds, and whispering about how cool Puck was, how hot Puck was, how badass Puck was, and so on. Puck was eating it up, a beaming smile on his face, so drunk on the attention that he wasn't noticing how out of character it was for Santana to act this way.

As they got closer and closer to Puck's car, and Brittany still hadn't come up with a clever plan to get rid of Puck, she decided to stop trying to be clever. It had never been her strong suit.

She sped up her pace and came up beside them just as they arrived at Puck's ride. She grabbed Santana by the upper arm and forcibly separated her from Puck.

It was like peeling off a leech.

"No!" whimpered Santana. "Brittany, what are you doing?"

"Yeah, Brit, what's up?" asked Puck jovially.

"Date's over," Brittany forced out as she rebuffed Santana's lunging attempts to reattach to Puck's side. "Santana and I need to talk about…stuff. You better go home."

"But…" began Puck, only to be cut off by an increasingly frustrated Brittany.

"Scram!"

"I thought I was going to get my threesome tonight," Puck pouted.

"You could always try to work something out with Artie and the waitress," Brittany spat sarcastically. She grabbed Santana by the shoulders and forced her to turn away from Puck.

Puck was still frowning slightly, looking like he was about to protest, when Santana broke away from Brittany's grasp and made one last desperate dive towards Puck. "Noooo!" she simpered. "I love him! I want to be with him forever!"

Brittany pounced after Santana and grabbed her around the chest at the last second. She locked eyes with a very wide-eyed Puck. "So I'm gonna go," he announced, eliciting a sob from Santana. "I suddenly remembered that I'm supposed to meet my Nana at Temple."

As Puck scrambled inside his car and drove off, Brittany duck-walked Santana in the opposite direction. She was able to keep hold of the other girl only until they reached the next parking lot over, that of the Golden Corral.

Santana broke away from Brittany and turned on her, her eyes alight with hatred. "Why'd you make him leave? We were having a good time, bitch!"

Brittany's eyes widened and she screamed, "What the fuck is wrong with you, Santana? You've been acting weird with Puck all day!"

"I'm not acting weird! I'm in love! I want to marry him and have lots of babies!"

Brittany rolled her eyes. "This is a joke, right? You're just being ridiculous. I mean, you and Puck…"

She trailed off, chuckling. Santana's eyes darkened further with hatred. "You're just jealous! You're just a pathetic, jealous dyke trying to sabotage my happiness!" Santana took a step forward and shrieked, "I WON'T LET YOU!"

As she screamed, she reared back and backhanded Brittany across the face, sending her sailing across the parking lot a good twenty feet.

(-)

Brittany lay immobile for a moment, stunned into paralysis, but only for a moment. She might be taking a leave of absence, but she was still a professional hero. She sat up, wiped the blood from her face, and narrowed her eyes at the heavy-breathing figure across the parking lot from her.

Until a moment before, Brittany was worried and confused, but she was still treating the girl she was with as her best friend. She figured, worst case scenario, Santana had eaten some bad cheese and was tripping. When Brittany had been keeping her away from Puck, she had only used the strength appropriate for a normal human girl.

But shit just got real.

She launched herself straight at "Santana" with all her considerable strength, closing the distance between them in a matter of milliseconds and sending them both hurtling dozens of feet backwards. When they landed they rolled together, fighting for the dominant position. Brittany ended up on top.

"Who are you?" Brittany bit out through clenched teeth, her hands grasping the girl's head by her hair. There was no response except for the futile struggle to escape. Rage and worry and hatred enveloped her, washing away any coherent thought. Brittany repeated her query, beating the girl's head against the asphalt to punctuate each syllable. "WHO. ARE. YOU?"

Brittany moved her hands lower, wrapping them around the other girl's throat and squeezing with all her strength. "Where's Santana?" Brittany exclaimed, her voice thick with unshed tears. "What have you done with her?"

She knew that her grip on the girl's throat was too tight to allow for any sort of response, but her rage-driven body couldn't stop squeezing. She gripped the girl's throat harder and harder, tighter and tighter. At the last moment, just when Brittany was sure that the bones, tendons, and arteries on the imposter's neck were going to snap and burst, the flesh beneath her hands seemed to…melt.

Brittany leaped away as if burned, her rage evaporating and her mind suddenly filling with all the possible explanations for what was going on. This could still be Santana's body, just possessed by something. It could be Santana, but under some sort of spell. Santana could have gained superpowers somehow, but her mind cracked under the duress. All these and more were possibilities, and for a brief moment Brittany was faced with the prospect that she had almost popped her best friend's skull out of her skin like the tail of a shrimp.

Then her vision refocused, and she got a good look at the creature that was shifting and sliding from form to form on the pavement, it's brush with death sending it into an instinctive panic. As Brittany had subconsciously intuited, her opponent was a shape-shifter. A mimic. A mimic with some serious guy issues, apparently.

In the brief seconds of reprieve it enjoyed while Brittany calmed herself down, the creature assumed its natural form. Brittany instantly recognized it.

"You're one of those aliens from last year," she exclaimed in surprise. "You tried to invade us! I thought you were all dead?"

"All but me," the creature hissed. "I managed to escape when I saw that defeat was imminent. I took the form of one of your small mammals, and watched in horror at the destruction of my entire race."

"Alright, so you're a coward who hid while your entire race got killed. Got it."

"I am not a coward!"

"Whatever you say…dude...chica…whatever you are." Brittany took a deep breath and offered, "Look, I overacted before, and, although you clearly have some serious emotional problems, if you take me to Santana now, if you show me that she's unhurt and alive, I have no reason to kill you. I don't know if you know this, but we've got plenty of aliens running around. Perfect Dude is actually an alien, you know? We can get ahold of him, and get you a nice little place in the world. What do you say?"

"You may not have cause to kill me," exclaimed the creature. "But I have cause to kill you!"

"Really?" asked Brittany in wonder. "What? Why? I barely had anything to do with the fight against your species. I got, like…thirty kills."

"You killed enough!"

"Not according to Hot Pants," interjected Brittany.

"You killed my mate!"

Brittany sucked in a breath between her teeth, and intoned, "Awkward. Well, I can see why you would be mad."

"You killed my future!"

"Alright, so you're just gonna keep with the screaming, yeah? And I assume that you're not going to take up my offer from earlier?"

"You will die feeling as if you were burning in the thousand fires of Tun-Kil!"

"I have no idea where that is, but I'll take that as a no. Well, just so you're aware: while I was distracting you with this conversation, I texted Perfect Dude and let him know what was going on. He did a quick scan of the area and found Santana alive and well. Not even very well-hidden, actually. It seems like you suck at every possible thing. So, I'm going to go ahead and kill you now."

Which is exactly what Brittany did.

The End

A/N2: I hope you enjoyed this! Next time I update I'll go back to the usual format. Just for clarification sake: 1. Santana was only replaced by a shape-shifting alien during "Never Been Kissed". The alien knows about Brittana and Puck/Santana and such because she spent a year watching Brittany preparing for this. 2. The alien's grand plan was to pretend to be Santana and make Brittany think Santana hated her, and then kill her at her lowest point. It might have worked if the alien, like Santana's characterization in Never Been Kissed, didn't suck in every possible way imaginable.


	8. The Lesson is That I'm Awesome

A/N: So there was so much Brittany awesomeness in "Special Education" that I decided to just do a chapter based around that episode. It's probably a mistake, because I haven't exactly been drowning in amazing one-liners this season…but whatevs. In celebration of this special chapter, though, I'll be doing something a little different…

**Special Education, Or: The Lesson is that I'm Awesome  
**

So, I was at motocross practice and I totally landed a 720 degree back flip. Cause that's how I do. For anyone out there who doesn't know what that means…tough. You don't need to know shit about shit. All you need to know is that I'm awesome. If I'm walking down a goddamn hallway, if I'm flying through the air on a sweet-ass motorcycle, if I'm on a stage or on the seven seas, all you need to think is, "That chick is pure awesome!"

The next day I was hanging out in Glee Club with my lady, Santana. We were laughing and touching each other and cuddling, like always. My boyfriend was there too, but he was all the way across the room, so what the fuck right? If you're not in my field of vision, I'm a free woman as far as I'm concerned. I was just about to ask Santana to meet me in the ladies room when Shue walked in. He said some shit that didn't concern me, but then announced that it was up to me and my "sweet moves" to win Sectionals. No shit! Was that really news to anyone?

After that he started saying a bunch of nonsense that didn't matter, and Santana started stroking the inside of my thigh. Then Finn said something that wasn't about me, and so did Rachel. Santana joined in, too, which made me sad because she stopped with the stroking. It was pretty much like every other Glee meeting, and then it was time for lunch.

And by "lunch", I mean it was time to fuck the shit out of Santana in the locker room.

I left her a quivering, panting, moaning mess on the floor of the locker room. Just for kicks, I decided to help Puck steal a soda machine.

After that I saw Artie find a comb on the floor. That's about as interesting as it gets when it comes to Artie. He's my boyfriend because I like to push him around like he's in a stroller, and because he doesn't ask questions when I show up to our dates with Santana's panties tied around my upper arm like a goddamn badge of victory.

Anyways, so I decided that I had to have that fucking comb! Why? Fuck you, that's why! If I want a comb, I'll manipulate my boyfriend into giving me a goddamn comb!

So I made up a bunch of claptrap about having stage fright. About being paralyzed with fear. HA! The last time I felt fear was in the womb! And that was just because I was slightly afraid that the world simply couldn't handle this much pure, concentrated awesome being unleashed on it.

So all that happened, and the bottom line is that I got my comb.

Then I threw it away. Because who wants a disgusting, trash comb? Not me. Artie sucks at improvising, that's for sure. "Aww, you're upset Brittany? Here, have literally the closest thing at hand and pretend it has some significance." Fuuuuck, man. If I didn't love pretend strollers so much, I'd dump his ass.

But forget all that noise, because now we're gonna talk about that fucking cricket. He can read like crazy, but the little bastard is a thief. He totally took the promise ring Santana gave me, and my favorite earrings. If you steal from me, no matter how often I fall asleep to the soothing sounds of your voice, your ass is gonna pay!

On my way home I stopped off in the woods to collect some possums. Yeah, I throw possums as people who disappoint me or make me angry. I need a lot of goddamn possums. Shit, you don't even know what to make of that, do you? Well don't even try to! Stop thinking so hard! Remember the one and only thing I told you to think when thinking about me? THINK IT!

So after gathering my posse of possums, I straightened that punk-ass cricket out but good. I don't know what kind of crazy went wrong in his brain to make him do it the first time, but that fool knows never to cross me again. Do crickets even have brains? Hell, I don't know. If I want them to have brains then they will.

I spent the next few days getting Mike up to snuff, making him good enough to be seen on a stage with me. And also avoiding Artie. Later on I would tell him it was because I lost that ridiculous comb, but really it was because I would rather watch quality shark programming. If there's one thing that's even close to being as awesome as me it's Shark Week.

There was also the behavior of Santana that I had to deal with. With me busy with Mike and Sharks, she got a little naughty. She was all pretending to be interested in Finn, which is just unacceptable. So I had to bend her over my knee and show her ass who was in charge and how to behave properly. As a reward for taking her punishment like a good girl, I pulled a few strings and got her a solo at Sectionals. Shit, I figure if I'm going to win this thing, I gotta enjoy the music I'm dancing to.

I subtly made Tina believe that I was screwing her boyfriend. I did it mostly for my own amusement. Also, I totally was. She subsequently dressed like a goddamn Goth cheerleader, as if trying to compete with me, so she totally deserved it. Trying to compete with me…Girl, you crazy!

The next day there was another motocross practice, another day of me being awesome and everyone else being jealous. Then I had sectionals, and I totally set that stage on fire! Not literally, but with my hot as hell dancing. Mike did his part too, but did he do it in heels? Absolutely fucking not.

But damn is that man good in bed. Almost as good as Lauren Zizes. But nowhere near as good as me. Did that thought even enter your over-thinking little mind? Did you for one second think that someone was better than me in bed? If you did, I want you to stop reading this right now! You've lost all privileges!

Alright, now that the rabble has cleared out, I'll wrap this up. We won, of course. Well, we tied, but whatever. Then I wrestled Lauren Zizes for the hell of it. She won, but only because I kept giggling at the memory of her beating Puck in a fist fight a few minutes before. I'll get her next time. Also, I had sex with Santana before and after the performance, and managed to smack her ass while on stage. Thus fulfilling item number sixty seven on my bucket list: spank Santana in front of an audience.

So…yeah. Just another week in the life of Brittany S. Pierce, the most awesome chick alive.

The End


	9. Adventures in Time

A/N: It's been a long time since I've updated. Honestly, by the time the first half of Season 2 ended I was sick of Glee and kind of sick of Brittany. They had managed to nearly ruin my favorite character, and I just wasn't feeling any inspiration. So, I took a break and focused on other stuff. That'll happen sometimes, but I plan on keeping this fic open to additions as long as Glee is still on the air. Now, since I've really enjoyed the first two episodes since the hiatus ended (and since Brittana is ON beyotches!), I decided to make an effort to update. Hope you enjoy!

**Adventures in Time, Or: How Christopher Cross Discovered America**

**100,000,000 B.C., Ohio**

Time Travel was…confusing. Brittany was sure that you needed a car for time travel. Or a Terminator, at the very least. But all she'd done is gone to a party, gotten drunk, and had a conversation with Finn and Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross.

Now she was petting a dinosaur!

Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross had explained how they had ended up millions of years in the past, but Brittany hadn't been listening because…dinosaurs! They were everywhere! And they were cute!

She'd just ask Finn later…or maybe not, considering the look of abject confusion adorning Finn's face. Oh well, it's not like it mattered. Brittany returned her attention to the animal in front of her, a giant reptile about the size of a cow. It was calmly grazing on some vegetation in front of it, not startled in the least by the humans.

"We seem to have come unstuck in time," said Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross. "This happens to me sometimes…excuse me while I do some calculations."

He wandered off to mull over a giant fern, and Finn ambled over to Brittany. "Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross is a lot smarter than I expected."

"Totally," Brittany agreed. "Wanna pet Quilty?"

"Awesome!" Exclaimed Finn, his easy smile lighting up his face. "I've always wanted to meet a dinosaur."

They grinned at each other for a moment. She liked Finn. He was probably the nicest boy in Lima, and she always felt that they were alike. But Quinn, and then Rachel, had taken up all his attention at school. It was kinda nice to spend some time alone with him.

"Me too," Brittany said enthusiastically.

Then the dinosaur disappeared. Or, that's how it seemed to Brittany. In actual fact, Brittany and Finn were the ones to disappear. The dinosaur didn't notice. Quilty just kept munching.

**30,000 BC, France**

They were in France, apparently. "We're traveling through space as well as time," was the explanation given to her. Brittany wasn't sure if she believed it, because nobody was speaking French and the Oeuvre was nowhere in sight. Not that she spoke French…but nobody was really speaking much of anything. They were just grunting and sleeping in caves.

"Thank God we left the Cretaceous," Finn said as he shuffled beside her. "If we had been there much longer the atmosphere would have poisoned us. And we probably would have been eaten or trampled by a dinosaur."

Brittany rolled her eyes and grinned at the boy, "You don't really expect me to think that you're not just repeating what Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross said, do you?'

Finn blushed and cast his eyes downward. "Sorry," he muttered.

Brittany giggled and said, "It's okay, Finn. You were trying to impress me! That's really cute, actually."

"Cool," he said, lifting his gaze again. They stood in silence for a moment, then Finn said, "Wanna go check out that cave?"

Brittany agreed, and they marched in the direction of the nearby cave. They explored for awhile, and found, to their astonishment, that the walls were decorated with drawings.

"Horsies!" Brittany squealed, the sound echoing through the cave system.

"Buffalo," said Finn.

"This is pretty cool," Brittany whispered. "…it's like a comic book almost. A story about their hunt or something."

"Badass," commented Finn.

They continued studying the paintings for awhile, then Finn took Brittany by the hand and they exited the cave. Almost immediately upon emerging into the bright sunlight, they disappeared again.

**10,000 BC, The Fertile Crescent**

About an hour after they arrived, Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross exclaimed, "I believe we're in the Fertile Crescent, around 10,000 BC!"

"Cool," said Finn, bored.

"This is the birthplace of agriculture!"

"Farms are boring," said Brittany. They were sitting on the ground, back-to-back. Both were bored stiff.

"Totally," added Finn. Their older companion rolled his eyes, and went off muttering about "taking exciting samples". Brittany and Finn were silent for a few moments, Brittany blowing the hair out of her face and Finn pulling grass out of the ground, before Finn asked, "Wanna play 'I've Never'?"

"But there's no alcohol…"

Finn shrugged and said, "We could just do it to pass the time."

Brittany shrugged in return. "Alright. You go first."

Finn thought for a moment and said, "Alright…I've never had sex."

Confused, Brittany turned to look at Finn and accused, "But you have! Santana told me all about it."

Finn blushed scarlet and spluttered, "She told you!"

Brittany rolled her eyes. "Duh. We tell each other everything. Would you like to know what your grade was?"

"No," Finn said glumly. "She already told me."

"Did she give you her list of Areas to Work On?"

"Yeah," Finn sighed.

"And your ranking?"

Finn stayed silent, but nodded. His bottom lip quivered. "Third isn't so bad," Brittany tried to reassure him.

"She's only had sex with three people!"

Not knowing what else to say, Brittany patted him on the shoulder. "There, there." Satisfied, Brittany turned back around and asked, "Anyways, why did you say you hadn't had sex?"

"You can propose an "I Never", even if you've done it. I wasn't gonna lie about it when it came to actually telling…"

"Oh. Well, I've had sex too."

"No kidding," Finn deadpanned.

Brittany frowned, wondering if she'd upset Finn. She shrugged, and said, "My turn! I've never…um…I can't think of anything I've never done."

"It doesn't have to be sexual, Brittany."

"Oh! Good, ok. I've never…seen a cactus."

"…ok. Neither have I."

"Haha, just kidding! I totally have! I lived in Arizona until I was seven, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I'd actually forgotten about that. Ha. I remember the first day you showed up at our school. You saved Santana from Rachel."

"Yup! And she hugged me fifteen times. And then she came over after school and we watched "The Little Mermaid", and we decided to become best friends forever."

"That's crazy," Finn said, leaning his head back onto Brittany's shoulder. "When I was seven my best friend was…Dave Karofsky. Isn't that insane? And Puck…Noah back then…was best friends with Jacob because they were both Jewish. It's pretty amazing that you and Santana have lasted this long."

Brittany leaned her head back onto Finn's shoulder and sighed, "We're gonna last forever. We promised."

They remained in silence for a moment. Finn was contemplating Brittany and Santana seriously for the first time. He thought back to their "date", and how into each other they were. They were always into each other, now that he thought about it. Nearly every second of the day they were touching each other or staring at each other, or something. And he'd heard plenty of rumors about more…

"I have one," he said. "I've never been in love."

"Aw," said Brittany sympathetically. "That's sad."

Finn raised his head and turned towards Brittany. "You have?"

"Sure," she said with a shrug.

"How do you know? I mean…I thought I was in love with Quinn, but then Rachel happened. And now I'm not even sure about Rachel."

"You just know," Brittany said simply. "You want to spend every waking moment with her, you want to know everything there is to know about her, you want to protect her with everything you have, you want to talk to her forever, you can't imagine life without her."

"Who are you talking about?" Asked Finn hesitantly.

Brittany giggled and rolled her eyes. "Santana. Duh."

It was then they disappeared.

**2500 BC, Indus Valley**

Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross exited the mud-brick hut, buckling his belt. "Indoor plumbing and pipes. Astounding! This Indus Civilization is incredibly advanced for their day. Their cities are laid out on a grid, like New York. And they have complex dentistry."

Finn and Brittany just stared at him in utter boredom. "Wow."

Then they went away as quickly as possible. As they walked away, Finn said, "I don't think Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross is actually trying to get us home. He's just being a tourist."

"Well," said Brittany, trying to remain positive, "we are getting closer to our time. Maybe we'll just naturally end up there."

Finn scowled. "And maybe we'll skip over our time and keep rocketing further and further into the future until the sun explodes."

"Finn!" Exclaimed Brittany, whacking the boy on the upper arm.

"Sorry," said Finn, exhaling a large sigh. "I miss my X-Box. I think I'm having withdrawals."

"I miss Santana," Brittany said sadly.

Finn wrapped his arm around Brittany's shoulders and squeezed her tightly. "We'll get home soon. We started out in the time of dinosaurs, and now we're at the dawn of human civilization. Pretty soon we'll be back in Lima, and you can watch "The Little Mermaid" with Santana again."

Brittany grinned at the prospect, and returned Finn's hug. "Thanks."

They walked down the exquisitely paved streets for awhile, marveling at the people and buildings. Most of the citizens ignored them, hoping they would simply go away. After a few minutes, the two teenagers came upon a group of men standing together in columns. They were perfectly still, their postures rigid as steel. Suddenly, the man at the head of the group called out, "Tiriang Mukhottanasana!"

In a stunning display, every man effortlessly bent backwards completely and until he could place his palms flat on the ground. Then each grasped his own ankles. Some were able to take it even further and grasp their knees. Finn's jaw dropped in shock, Brittany let out a gasp. "Wow," she uttered, breathless. "Soooo flexible. They're even more flexible than me! The possibilities…" She turned to Finn, "What are they doing?"

"Yoga?" Finn guessed. "That comes from India, right? You should totally check it out when we get back."

Brittany nodded enthusiastically. They watched the Yogis in awe for several more minutes before Finn turned to Brittany and asked seriously, "Brittany, does Santana know how you feel about her?"

They disappeared.

**33 AD, Israel**

All three of them were staring, wide-eyed.

"That's Jesus," Finn whispered in a slightly panicked voice.

"Do we run away?"

"I don't know. Is it bad that I want to?"

"I don't know. If you do, I will."

"His name is actually Yeshua," Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross informed them, having recovered from his initial shock.

Finn and Brittany rounded on the man and exclaimed, "How is that necessary right now?"

"Um," he said, "Because he's coming over here?"

The teenagers let out a squeak and spun around just in time to see Jesus…Yeshua…arrive. He was accompanied by another man who was carrying two big baskets full of food. He said something in his language, which none of the time-travelers could understand. But when he lifted his hand and waved, they waved back dumbly. He turned to speak to his companion, laughing uproariously as he knelt and rummaged in the baskets. Turning back to them he smiled jovially, and handed each some food. He clasped each on their shoulder and, grinning, went on to the next person in need of some food.

"That was pretty cool," Finn said after a minute of silence. He was munching on the bread Jesus gave him.

"He was kinda hot," Brittany agreed.

They disappeared.

**1492 AD, Boat**

"What is going on?" Cried Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross in dismay. "They're turning back! This isn't right at all. I think we've upset the space-time continuum!"

"That's bad, right?" Asked Brittany. "How do you know what's going on?"

"I speak flawless Italian. And Spanish. And Portuguese. Whatever I need to speak to make this scene work, I speak it."

"Ah. So…who's turning back and why is that a bad thing?"

"Columbus!" The older man cried. "They've decided to give up and go home before their supplies run out. Oh, it's a tragedy!"

Brittany caught Finn's gaze, and he shrugged. Brittany turned back to Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross and said, "Well, since you speak all those languages, you should convince them to continue with their adventure."

"Yes," said the older man, regaining his composure. "Yes. I need to inspire them."

And off he went. And inspire he did, because soon after he left them the two teenagers felt the ship turn. Finn and Brittany went to the side of the boat and gazed out on the ocean.

"I should tell Santana how I feel, shouldn't I?"

"Yeah," Finn said simply.

They disappeared.

**1512 AD, Italy**

Finn and Brittany stared up at the man painting the ceiling. He was high on a scaffold, flat on his back, completely focused on his work. He was putting the final touches on a fingernail.

It was beautiful. They'd heard all their lives about the Sistine Chapel, but seeing it in person was amazing.

Brittany leaned over and nudged Finn. "Think of those cave paintings in France…from that to this in only thirty thousand years or so."

They grinned at each other, silly happy, and then returned their gaze to the glorious sight above them.

They disappeared.

**1863 AD, Pennsylvania**

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal…"

They were moving faster now, barely landing in time before they moved on.

**1940 AD, London**

"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender…"

And faster.

**September 27****th****, 2010 AD, Ohio**

And faster, until they were home.

When they realized that they were home, Finn fell to the ground and kissed it welcome. Brittany jumped up and down, squealing in excitement. Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross stood around awkwardly. After watching the displays of the teenagers for a few seconds, he cleared his throat and said, "Well, this was fun. I should be on my way."

He left. Finn and Brittany continued celebrating in their own ways for a few more minutes before calming down. They stood smiling at each other in joy. Brittany flipped open her phone, which was working for the first time in…

Brittany's nose scrunched up in confusion. Was it working for the first time in days, or for the first time in a hundred million years? Brittany sighed in frustration and put the question out of her mind. She looked at the date, and shrieked with laughter.

"It hasn't even been a day!"

Finn fell to the ground, laughing uncontrollably. Brittany joined him a moment later.

**September 28****th****, 2010 AD, Ohio**

Imagine their surprise when, the very next day, Easy Listening luminary Christopher Cross was brought up in Glee club.

"Alright! Who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?"

"He discovered America," Brittany answered immediately, smiling. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Finn nodding enthusiastically.

"Close," answered Mr. Schue. He continued on, blathering some more about Easy Listening.

Brittany looked across the room and caught Finn's eye. They shared a smile. They knew the truth.

The End


End file.
